Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Bandaid helps the hurt stop hurting

I want a bandaid.  Not one of the "I am stuck on bandaid cause bandaid is stuck on me" kind, but rather an emotional, psyche healing bandaid.  I want to stop hurting literally and figuratively.  
I know, I know...I'm whining.  Too flipping bad, it's my blog and I'll whine if I want to.  There is soooo much happening in my oyster right now ~ the constant threat of being laid off; trying to get finances back on track; an ever increasing mental funk that won't  go away; and a new chronic illness to adapt to.  Cripes I wish I could pull a Rip Van Winkle about now.  I think I need a 20 year nap.  
I have lived my whole life on a seemingly endless supply of faith.  I am not a worrier.  Life goes the way life is supposed to.  I have never asked the common "why me?" because the better question is always "why NOT me?"  It all has to start somewhere, and God (or whatever higher being you might believe in) obviously believes me to be very strong and capable since He keeps piling all this stuff on my shoulders.  Thank you for the vote of confidence.  [eyeroll]
Today I would like to scream at the rafters....ENOUGH!  I can't take anymore.  I have hit the fucking wall, please back off.  I'm tired of being tired.  I'm sick of feeling picked on, picked over and taken advantage of.  I'm tired of hearing I can't take a joke...frankly if you have to explain it was a joke or that you're kidding MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE IT WASN'T FUCKING FUNNY ~ IT WAS MEAN.  Learn to know the damn difference.  Listen to yourself, your tone of voice, your choice of words.  Condescending and belittling statements are insulting and hurtful.  If the people who are your audience are put off by your remarks maybe it's YOU and not some sort of defect in them.  
Monday our "mayor" told the local media that he wouldn't stand by as the residents of this city eat Puss n' Boots Cat food and the employees eat filet mignon.  Fucker. My 19 year old daughter didn't know what filet mignon was.  As a result of that comment, city residents have come in to the Utility Billing Office where I work and verbally assaulted us about being over paid and lazy.  City employees on the front line trying to do inspections, or direct traffic are being verbally assaulted by residents.  How long before a disgruntled citizen pulls a knife on one of us?  How long before one of them gets our home addresses from the City Clerk (where I live is public record) and vandalizes our house or car or worse?  What then?  Do I call the mayor to thank him personally?  
Of course when your job is threatened it seems your finances go to hell.  I earn a nice salary compared to many other people, but I bring home very little net pay.  In fact I being home about $10 an hour.  Feed a house full, pay insurance, rent, prescriptions, gas, food, etc. on $10 an hour and it becomes a little strained.  I'm not complaining, I'm just tired and it hurts.
And when money is tight it strains relationships.  Add to that the "your kid my kid" battle and you know that Laurie and I are co-existing and that is all.  There is no cure for this apparently.  We are both right and we are both very wrong.  For the first time in 9-10 years I feel like Laurie is choosing sides, and it isn't mine.  I'll assume she feels the same way, but since we aren't speaking I don't know.  Like I said, I want a bandaid.  We usually have an exceptional relationship, very much on the same page ~ but not lately.  Laurie is the "friend" mom, and I'm not.  I'm the one that hears complaints and some defiance, but Laurie makes them laugh, and laughs with them.  
Last but not least is this new diabetes thing.  I'm not adjusting fast, or well.  I'm irritated by this.  I don't have time for it, and yet I have no choice.  I'm sticking my fingers 8 to 10 times a day and they're sore.  I'm tired and not sleeping.  I'm nauseous, and irritable.  And I feel like I'm alone in this.  My best friend is caught up in life, and my spouse is caught up in anger.  I don't like this.  I want my best friend back.  My best friend wasn't living the same drama as me, and she would sympathize and offer support.  She would ask how I was and offer suggestions.  I miss that.  
So I'm yelling at God....I'VE HAD ENOUGH.  I QUIT.  I CANNOT TAKE ANYMORE.  I want to go curl up with the blankets over my head and cry and feel sorry for myself, and hate everything.  I want someone to tell me they're sorry this is happening, and tell me things will be ok.  I want someone to treat me the way I always treat others when they're at this point.  I want someone to feel bad for me.  
I want a fucking bandaid.

1 comment:

Garret of Jim and Garret said...

I wish I were there to offer you a great big hug. You need one, I want to give you one.

You and Laurie will get through this. You know as well as everyone else that you two are meant to be together. You have such an amazing bond.

Joking can be hurtful. Let's face it, people pick a flaw and exploit it. MOST of the time there's truth to how they feel/think of you and that hurts. Saying "I'm just kidding" is like saying "She's an old unwed crow... bless her heart." It doesn't exonerate.

As for the kids, sorry, I hope they read this and grow up. They aren't helping with that wedge in your relationship.

I love you Pearl. I love Laurie. Call when you want/need to talk.