Saturday, April 18, 2009

Here, have a soy nut.

This morning, one of my cubie quad-mates called me over and told me she'd gotten me a "little something". Hmmmm. A little what? Rat poison? Gum? Breath mints? GermX? No...none of the above. She got me a 3/4 lb box of honey roasted soy nuts. Who knew soy had nuts! Anyway, in the course of presenting me with my gift, and in the true spirit of friendship and love, she asked if I was "going through my change" and went on to tell me the benefits of soy during menopause. She then added that she really thinks I'm going through "the change" because I've been extremely nasty and mean lately. Ouch. I'm thinking if I've been mean and nasty I should call my doctor and have him alter or add more happy pills, I don't think soy nuts are going to be the difference. Nuts tend to make me ummm a little irritable...especially if they are still attached to a living breathing nut-case, er man. Well, those who know me know that I first apologized for my bad behavior. And I've spent the majority of time since the conversation analyzing my recent behavior and moods to try and see where, and possibly why, I've been behaving badly. I thought I'd share my list of reasons (not excuses) with all of you. I'm only going back 7 months, since including the past year may send me over the edge. I'm thinking that after actually listing my reasons (not excuses) I may think I haven't been nasty enough! To begin, 12 weeks after being diagnosed with breast cancer, 4 weeks after a bilateral radical mastectomy, 2 weeks after being declared cancer free and 4 days after her first chemotherapy treatment, my mother unexpectedly and suddenly died. Thankfully she died in her sleep, unfortunately I found her as I was heading out the door to work. The afternoon before my mother passed away, Wells Fargo sent a nice man to repossess my car. Due to the unforeseen expenses related to my mom's passing, all our bills backed up a bit until I could get things settled and caught up. Needless to say, the holiday season from November through January was difficult. Somewhere around mid-December the boobilage mass was discovered, and the whole circus with that began. Add to that, my mom's birthday is December 18th, so is Laurie's. It was the first birthday that Laurie had all to herself in her entire life. (Her biological mother's birthday is December 17th.) In early January I was lucky enough to be called to family court to have my child support payments extended from February 21st to June 7th, when Kathryn graduates from high school. My divorce decree did not include this provision, but Florida Statute does, and the family court division supports the extension. Steve, of course, objected. So a half day off from work to enjoy the floor show that is family court. Ugh. In February my niece and great-niece, (she just had her 1st birthday) arrived rather suddenly. That made 7 adults and 2 small children, our 3 dogs and 2 cats, and my sister's 2 dogs, all crammed in to a 4 bedroom home, approx. 2,400 sq ft. Yep, small. Add to that the difficulty of 5 moms and their children in such a small space, and you get a sense of how tense all the mama bears were feeling. No wonder tensions escalated, and bubbled over, with the outcome being the King family relocated to a place of their own. Shortly after that, on the day before her 18th birthday, my daughter had a car accident in the alleyway behind my office building. Thankfully she only suffered bruising and friction burns to her forearms from the air bag deploying. The only car we have sustained some ugly damage, but is still driveable. The seatbelt needs to be fixed (Kathryn is the only one it now fits around), and we need a new airbag, but my insurance company is dragging its feet. Next up, a court ordered invitation on behalf of my ex-husband challenging the rather large child support arrearage that he'd rather not pay. He filed this several weeks after the January hearing. He appears "by phone" which means he's sitting in his own kitchen, probably in sweat pants sipping coffee and smoking, and I have to take another day off from work and spend it in family court which is an experience that makes me slightly queasy. The upside is that the Special Magistrate basically told Steve to pound sand. My quad mate Tracy, has been faced with the imminent passing of her beloved MIL, who has been battling cancer for over a year, and March began the rather rapid decline in her health. The stress of that has been shared amongst our quad, as we try to support Tracy through the pain and impending loss. Sadly, but blessedly, Tracy's MIL passed away this week. Her suffering is over, but the family's grief is deep. March also brought a new round of lay-off rumors, and a lot of name calling by our local city council members. When you work for a city, you expect the general citizenry to be less than happy with you, but your own city council is expected to be on your side. Lately ours has been less than complimentary to city employees as a whole. Work has become tense, and stressful. As much as I love my job, and my co-workers, lately things have become difficult and sometimes overwhelming. I know I'm not handling that piece of my life as easily as I used to. I'm hoping that I can get my doctor to tweak my medication a little bit and help decrease the impact that the escalating stress is having. So, I think this about covers it all. Oh, unless you include my apparent membership in the menopause club. It's difficult to be certain because I had a procedure called uterine ablation back in November, so the monthly curse is no more, but all the pieces and parts are right where they started. Only the hormones will change, and apparently have. I guess I'll try to put a cap on my Linda Blair moments and see if I can become kinder and gentler at work. It embarasses me to think that I have been difficult to work with and created stress and unhappiness for my quad mates. I guess I'll have to be more aware, and more careful in the coming months. My mom has been gone 7 months now. It doesn't seem that long, and yet it seems like forever since I last heard, saw, hugged her. I miss her immensely. I know that the loss will never heal, but the grief comes less often now. However, when it comes, it comes fast, hits hard, and lasts a long time. Menopause huh? Yes, I guess that is a plausible explanation. I hope that those of you who know me can be a little patient while I try to work this out, but please, if I'm behaving badly, please tell me. Friends are too precious, and life far too short, to use any time behaving badly. Hugs to all of you, I think I'm having a HOT flash. Pearl The word of the day is: labile.

4 comments:

Jim and Garret said...

Pearl! I was very close to dropping a tear there. I had no idea about the car repo or all the Steve crap. When you list all the crap you've been through in a short time span, no wonder. You forgot to mention Laurie's walking accident.

Gray skies are gonna clear up, put on a Windex shine. errr happy face.
Garret

Laurie said...

Thanks Garret. I was just reading this with a tear also but was thankful she didn't mention the hell I put everyone through when casted and healing. I think it's a blessing she hasn't gone postal (yes that appies to city employees too) and blown away all of us. We love you Pearly, which ever one shows up, just as long as you show up. <~><~>

Pearl said...

@Garret; thank you. I really don't dwell on it all that often. I believe so strongly that God gets me where I need to be that it all just seems normal. But when people who matter point out bad behavior, I try really hard to fix that.
@Laurie; thank you. That sentiment gets me out of bed every single day.
Love you ALL ~ Pearl

Liz said...

Holy cow! That's a lot of crap to deal with... hopefully writing it all out has been therapeutic!